I’m sick of this! There’s no point to my life anyway! If you’ve already heard these words come out of your child’s mouth, the teenage crisis has just moved into your home! Identity crisis, mood swings… some teenagers hit it head-on, and there’s collateral damage on the parents’ side too. How do you define this crisis? Why does it appear during adolescence? How do you manage it well? Here are a few pointers.

What exactly is the teenage crisis?

This is the difficult period during which your teenager shows behavioural disturbances: defiant attitudes, sudden mood changes, excessive behaviour… It occurs during the transition from childhood to adulthood, and it would be a mistake to underestimate how violent this transition can be. The child is shaken by hormonal, physical, and neurological changes that overwhelm them.

This destabilising period thrusts the young person into an adult body, an unfamiliar world in which they have no bearings yet. How do they protect themselves? Some teenagers respond with a form of regression, to regain the security of childhood. But this attitude can sometimes be hard for parents to manage. Complicated relationships with their own bodies, self-destructive behaviour, or alcohol and drug use are all attacks against this changing body, which is so hard to inhabit and accept.

9% regularly hurt themselves (cutting, burns…)

On top of all that, the teenage crisis brings its share of dark thoughts and negativity. Depression and suicide attempts affect a minority of this young population, but that’s enough to cast a real shadow of fear over parents. According to a study conducted among 15,000 young French people aged 13 to 18 by a team from INSERM (the French national health research institute), 8% of teenagers believe that “life isn’t worth living.” This shift between childhood and adulthood creates ambivalence, particularly towards parents. During this transition, the teenager will indeed swing between needing tenderness and rejecting any form of affection coming from the parent. A game of self-assertion and differentiation played out at the heart of the family.

7.8% have already attempted suicide

What’s the right attitude to have with your teenager?

  • Keep talking, always! Without forgetting to listen…

Without pushing the more reserved ones, you still need to find a way to establish some kind of exchange, to open a door to communication. Suggesting a conversation, while letting your teen decide on a time that suits them, is a good start: “Whenever you have a free moment, I’d love to chat with you a bit” is one example of an opening line. If your child isn’t comfortable with the topic you’re concerned about (smoking, sexuality, alcohol…), it’s better to share your view without forcing them to respond. Are they not responding to any of your attempts? A group conversation might work better! Speaking isn’t the only way to communicate. A text, an email, or a letter can also help rebuild dialogue. Sometimes, simply sitting down together for a good film or a TV episode works better than you’d think. Once the conversation gets going, it’s important to know how to listen, take the time to understand their point of view as a young person, and consider reassuring compromises.

  • Curiosity is an unwelcome habit

Knowing how to respect their privacy matters. Even if the temptation is strong, it’s best to avoid reading their diary, their emails, their texts, or their WhatsApp messages. During this period, when the teenager is pulling away from their family and seeking freedom with their friends, intruding into their world risks breaking your already fragile relationship. If parents interfere with the very activities that let their child move away from the family cocoon, they prevent them from developing into an adult. On the contrary, respecting their privacy will give them confidence in themselves. That doesn’t stop you from advising them and warning them about dangers they might not be aware of.

  • Since you can’t control everything, relax!

“Being perfect parents is almost impossible. It would even be a disaster. If you have a clear, preconceived idea of what your role is, you’ll end up too strict, out of touch with reality. Parents make mistakes when adapting, and in that case, it’s better to admit it to your teen. You can perfectly well tell them: ‘Look, we’re doing what we can, we don’t understand everything, but we’re trying.'”

Françoise Rougeul, psychoanalyst and family therapist

When you’re about to lose your patience, remember the “terrible twos” or the “NO” phase. Like all the phases of personality development, the teenage crisis is only temporary! At the risk of alarming already worried parents even further, keep in mind that imposing too many rules on your teenager (don’t smoke, don’t drink alcohol, don’t come home late…) will generally have the opposite effect, and all these restrictions will be broken! Consider yourselves warned.

For 80% of teenagers, the teenage crisis goes smoothly

  • Watch out for risky behaviour

Anorexia, bulimia, substance abuse, and depression are among the risky behaviours that deserve your full attention. When the teenage crisis threatens the child’s safety or life, getting help from a professional is entirely appropriate. A child psychiatrist, who can prescribe medication if needed, can take care of your child. This requires a referral from a general practitioner. A psychologist will instead treat your child through talking therapy. An online psychology consultation makes it easier to quickly take care of the most urgent cases or of families living far from a practice. Remote consultations or video calls are just as good in quality as an in-person consultation, so make the most of it!

  • Accept falling off your pedestal

While you used to be the strongest of dads or the most beautiful of mums, you’re now the target of your beloved offspring’s mockery. The teenage crisis doesn’t spare parents, whose slightest missteps or flaws get pointed out. The right attitude? Accepting that you’re different from your teenager! You don’t listen to the same music, you don’t dress the same way, and you don’t think like them? That’s a good thing. By asserting your differences, you help them build their own identity and stand out as an individual.

Patience and consistency

Are you warning your child about the dangers of smoking? Please, don’t smoke two packs a day yourself! When it comes to parenting, stay the course. Staying true to your values and your parenting style also reassures your child, thanks to reference points they know well. Of course, adapting to the needs of a struggling teenager is helpful, but it shouldn’t be too destabilising. You’re not perfect, and thankfully so, for their sake. How else could they break away from an idealised family to build their own life? Being a good parent isn’t a fixed standard. It’s more about the ability to accept your child as they are, in all their individuality. The strength to cope with change and crises while never ceasing to show them your support and love.

 

Many parents live in dread of seeing this teenage crisis arise in their household. Yet the most serious cases are a minority, though media overrepresentation wrongly keeps an anxiety-inducing atmosphere alive around the topic! Alain Braconnier, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst specialising in children and teenagers, also points out that: “Today’s teenagers are different from those of previous generations for a fairly obvious reason: their means of communication and access to information, from their earliest childhood, have been far greater. They have vastly expanded access to knowledge, information, and consumption. This probably creates a generation that is much more open, much more curious, and much more demanding too.”