Your child is bright, creative, passionate and full of love. And yet, there are times you feel exhausted by their behaviour. You have to watch them constantly. No activity ever goes smoothly from start to finish. With their ADHD, your child adopts provocative attitudes and can sometimes come across as badly behaved. In short, despite their speech therapy and psychological follow-up, you’re struggling to manage the situation. There’s no off switch, but the good news is that there are ways to cope! A memo of good practices to adopt with your as-exhausting-as-wonderful child with ADHD.
Protecting your own wellbeing
It’s important to relieve your own frustrations by noting down all the behaviours that harm your wellbeing and family harmony. Writing them down is a first step towards structuring the adjustments to put in place. You can then use this list to create a chart or poster of house rules.
Process for creating a rule:
- Name the behaviour that bothers you
- Describe it in just a few words
- Imagine the attitude you’d like your child to adopt instead
- From that, derive a single, simple, clear rule to match
Ideally, only use positive words when writing these rules. “Don’t shout at the table” becomes “Speak calmly at the table.”
Then, talk about it with the child, without blaming them. The aim is simply to get their feelings and their cooperation. Then display each house rule around the home with colours and simple visual aids. This chart makes it clear what’s allowed and what isn’t.
Protecting family balance
Explain and talk about the disorder with everyone in the household, discuss it with siblings, so everyone can express their confusion, worries or frustration.
When a rule isn’t followed, remind the child of it immediately and ask them to repeat it in their own words. A conversation can then help define ways to improve so the rule isn’t broken again. Take the opportunity to remind them that they’ve already managed to follow this rule before, so they feel able to succeed again.
“Do you remember when we went shopping and you stayed calm the whole time I was shopping? That was really nice. I’m sure you can do it again.”
Punishment is never an effective solution in the medium or long term. It only breeds anger and resentment.
Set daily routines to stick to: mealtimes, homework time and bedtime are the foundation of a regular, calming lifestyle for the child with ADHD. These simple but fixed landmarks establish a good rhythm that everyone should stick to, parents included!
Keep in mind that your child needs to feel loved, respected and safe. Fear of consequences breeds frustration and harms both communication and self-esteem.
Providing a calm environment
Break activities down into several small tasks so the child doesn’t get discouraged, doesn’t lose patience, and finishes what they start.
Stay firm, set limits and stick to them. If you’re tempted to give up on one of your requirements, it’s better not to state it at all in the first place. A child with ADHD feels reassured by clear, strict boundaries.
State your requests clearly and don’t hesitate to repeat them if needed.
Be consistent in what you expect and what you tolerate, so as not to unsettle the child.
Know that punishments have no effect on the hyperactive child. Parental authority isn’t a solution either.
Every evening, the atmosphere should be calm and warm, whatever tantrums or behaviour your child has shown during the day – never say goodnight while angry!
Managing ADHD meltdowns
The immediate emergency solution:
- Move your child to a calm environment (bedroom, a fitting room in shopping centres, restrooms in public places…).
- Hold them in your arms, as if giving a hug (if this doesn’t make their anger worse).
The constructive medium- and long-term solution: create a behaviour chart and a meltdown log.
- This method helps the child recognise and judge their own behaviour. They’re no longer dependent on adult judgment, and it reopens a dialogue with their parents each evening during this review.
- In the evening, sit down with the child so they can rate that day’s meltdowns from 1 to 10 based on their intensity and duration.
- They’ll also give themselves an overall score for their behaviour that day, from 1 to 10, which they’ll write on a dedicated calendar.
- Each day, the parent will award between 0 and 3 positive stickers on this calendar, based on the effort the child has made to manage their meltdowns and improve their behaviour.
- Never make negative comments or bring up events from the day that highlight the child’s poor behaviour. Stay neutral when announcing a day with no sticker.
Example of a log
- Agree with them on the various rewards they can earn at the end of the week (children with ADHD have little patience) based on the number of stickers collected. (10 stickers = a small reward, 15 = a medium reward, 20 or more = a big reward)
As well as building their self-confidence, this sticker system also works on their ability to be patient. It’s best to choose rewards in the form of quality time rather than purchases, gifts or toys. Partly to limit spending, and partly to avoid linking the act of buying with a strong positive feeling. A good family film night, inviting a friend over, or baking their favourite cake with a parent are more suitable rewards.
Restoring their self-esteem
Balance out the frequent reprimands and reminders with just as many compliments, whenever the opportunity arises: a nice piece of art, a kind act towards a classmate, helping to clear the table, or a sporting achievement are all opportunities to praise the child.
Introduce them to humour. It’s better to laugh about it! Teach them self-deprecation so they can laugh at their own outbursts. “You’re talking really loudly today! Did you suddenly grow old overnight to be that deaf? My poor darling! I’ll let the school know you’ll be moving into a retirement home from now on.”
Avoid negative reprimands, rephrase instructions to get their cooperation:
“Stop fidgeting!” becomes “At home, we stay calm.” Kindness is the ally of parents of children with ADHD!
Restoring their love of learning
Making school life easier and rekindling the pleasure of learning starts with a conversation with teachers. By informing them about the nature of your child’s disorder, you encourage genuine support in the classroom. Many adjustments have been identified to manage ADHD in the classroom.
Channel this overflow of energy through sport. Beyond the uncontrolled outlet that solo activities like cycling or rollerblading provide, sports based on rules and self-control, such as judo, karate, taekwondo or fencing, are excellent ways to channel energy and encourage socialising.
From any given day, you’ll often remember the meltdowns and the uncontrollable situations. And yet, on that same day, your child will have smiled countless times, given you a hug, played without worrying about their disorder, and made you a paper craft or a modelling-clay creation. Living with ADHD, they remain, all the same, an endless source of happiness.
What if you kept your own calendar of the good moments?
