In an era where photos of perfect lives bloom all over Instagram, families are not immune to this quest for the perfect image. Happy parents, blissful babies and thriving families are put on display without restraint. These frozen, softly filtered snapshots coexist alongside a taboo reality: parental burnout. This form of depression, which affects some parents, mothers and fathers alike, is not inevitable. To better understand this state of overload and the loss of enjoyment in the role of parent, we need to work out: what are the causes? How can it be recognised, and how can it be addressed?<\/p>\n
“According to the few studies on the subject, mainly carried out in Belgium, 5 to 8% of parents are currently believed to be experiencing parental burnout.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Why is it so hard to diagnose? Because these exhausted parents feel so guilty about it that they don’t dare talk to anyone, not even their partner.
\nPsychoanalyst and author of the book “Burn Out Parental” (“Parental Burnout”), Liliane Holstein links this syndrome to the place the child has held within the family since the 1980s-1990s. Her observation highlights that parents today are far more concerned with how much love their child shows them. This leads to a constant, exhausting pursuit of perfection so the child feels completely fulfilled.<\/p>\nIs there a social group more affected by this burnout? Isabelle Roskam, a doctor of psychological sciences and professor of developmental psychology, insists there is “no typical profile of a burnt-out parent. Everyone has their own story. What these burnouts have in common is that they are always linked to a build-up effect with no compensation.”
\nThis build-up particularly concerns the anxieties tied to the role of parent and the loss of freedom that this new responsibility brings. The child’s health, their dependence on their parents, worries about their healthy development\u2026<\/p>\nAre certain cognitive profiles more prone to it? Being a perfectionist and having a difficult personal history are risk factors. Indeed, parental burnout seems to be more common among people who set the bar very high for themselves. Atypical parenting profiles, who are more likely to face social pressure and judgement, are also more exposed to this syndrome.<\/p>\n
Could certain children be the cause of their parents’ burnout? A child struggling at school or a brilliant pupil, a well-behaved child or a hyperactive one, a child with an illness or disability, or a perfectly healthy child, no child is responsible for this imbalance. Burnout cases are diagnosed just as often in seemingly ideal families as in families whose children face difficulties.<\/p>\n
Finally, while they are not a direct cause of parental burnout, Instagram and Facebook create a harmful, aggravating effect. Mo\u00efra Mikolajczak, who took part in the Belgian study, warns:
\n“We need to stop posting perfect photos, because they can create stressful situations for other parents.”<\/p>\nWarning signs of parental burnout<\/p>\n
“I felt like I had become distant from my children. I’d watch other parents at the school fair and think I was a monster of insensitivity.”
\nTestimony from A\u00efda, mother of three<\/p><\/blockquote>\nExhaustion of the parent or parents: This symptom is one of the first to appear. Parents feel worn out, drained and emotionally fragile. They can no longer think constructively because they are overwhelmed by everything on their plate. This constant fatigue increases along with sleep disturbances, which worsen the distress.<\/p>\n
The goal of achieving perfection: This desire for perfection shows up in many areas linked to parenting: the search for an ideal upbringing, a perfectly suited school, balanced meals, a wide range of extracurricular activities\u2026 Beyond the mental load weighing on parents, it is a form of race for performance that also rests on the child’s shoulders.<\/p>\n
Loss of emotional balance: Alternating between outbursts of temper and excessive displays of affection is also common among parents whose emotional balance has been undermined. Loss of composure involving shouting and violent gestures should alert those around them.<\/p>\n
Emotional distancing from their children: crushed by exhaustion, burnt-out parents no longer have the motivation to invest in meaningful exchanges and a quality relationship with their children. They barely listen to what their children share with them and gradually lose interest in what makes up their daily lives: school, learning, emotions\u2026 Their interactions are reduced to the bare essentials (meals, bath time, the school run\u2026), almost mechanically.<\/p>\n
“I used to love playing football with my son at weekends. Then I stopped feeling any enjoyment; I was there physically with him, but mentally, I was somewhere else. All I wanted was to be somewhere else. I told myself I was useless, that I was unworthy of being a father.”
\nPierre, a child<\/p><\/blockquote>\nLoss of interest in one’s partner: overwhelmed by events and their daily pursuit of being the ideal parent in every respect, parents often show a form of disinterest in their relationship as a couple. This invisible separation starts with a drop in libido and continues with exchanges reduced to the strict minimum. Parents affected by this syndrome will often put off going home, for example by working overtime, or even by using dating sites.<\/p>\n
Loss of self-confidence: Realising they cannot reach the standard they set for themselves, parents suffering from burnout lose confidence in themselves. They believe they are incapable of coping with everything their role involves, and they judge themselves very harshly. Eating disorders can also arise, and significant weight loss or weight gain is often observed.<\/p>\n
Addictive behaviours: When people affected by parental burnout do not throw themselves entirely into their work, they escape into sport, compulsive shopping, drinking, or the use of various substances. Some turn to video games or spend hours on their smartphones. In short, any means of escaping their reality will do.<\/p>\n
Treating parental burnout<\/h2>\n
The good news is that the Belgian researchers behind this study state that once the diagnosis is made and clearly acknowledged by the parent, recovery can be swift! While some parents come close to suicidal thoughts for years, just a few weeks can be enough to restore their balance and self-confidence. Some psychologists offer brief therapies which, in just a few sessions, considerably improve the state of burnt-out parents. For those whose schedule is already packed, online psychologists<\/a> offer remote support of similar quality.
\nTaking part in support groups is one of the best solutions for parental burnout. One reality people eventually come to accept is that “we need to stop thinking everything comes naturally, that everything is easy, and that as a young parent, you have the right to say ‘stop, I need help.'”<\/p>\nIf the disorder is only in its early stages, there is still time to pause and think about all the resources and people around you who can help. A burnt-out parent wrongly believes they must do everything alone, that they are the only one who can do things properly. That’s a mistake. The key is to delegate. By asking for support from a partner, grandparents, a nanny\u2026 the load lightens, and you realise that in the end, if everything isn’t done exactly as you would have done it yourself, it doesn’t harm anyone. Different approaches have their upsides too!<\/p>\n
Learning to manage one’s emotions doesn’t only apply to young children. Overwhelmed parents can also step back from their outbursts of anger and reflect on themselves. Isabelle Roskam suggests working through self-reflection: “When I shout, how long does the emotion last? What are the early bodily warning signs (a knotted stomach, feeling suddenly hot, etc.)? That’s when you can prevent things boiling over by bringing down the emotional intensity, through breathing exercises, going outside, an hour of jogging, and so on. There are a thousand ways to manage your emotions.” Asking for a partner’s support is also helpful. By saying “I feel overwhelmed\/tired\/in distress\u2026”, the partner can offer their support.<\/p>\n
Finally, it is essential to prioritise parenting responsibilities. Having ironed laundry, cooking homemade meals every time, having a spotlessly clean and tidy home, taking your child to several extracurricular activities, exercising, teaching them to hold their pen properly, performing well at work\u2026 No, this schedule isn’t realistic for a parent. You will need to know how to give up what matters least, spend less time on what still matters, and build in weekend slots such as: spending the afternoon with your child and letting them choose what they want to do. That evening, it’ll be pizza delivery, the house will probably be a mess, and your family will never have been happier.<\/p>\n
Recorded conference on this topic: https:\/\/www.dys-positif.fr\/conferences-dys-positif\/<\/p>\n
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